Tuesday, February 28, 2006

#100

My 100th post! Geeze, I don't know what to say. Which is so not the point of doing this kind of thing, isn't it? I guess I could go on about how depressed I've been lately (part "my next PET scan is coming", part "post-Olympics blues", part "I wish I had some more vacation time available from work", part "our country is going to hell", part native depression, part missing some of my best friends, part mental exhaustion from almost a year of non-stop pain, and part boredom), but who wants to read that? On the other hand, how many of my posts haven't been about that anyway, just in another form? (Well, all right, I've had more concrete/external reasons to be bummed previously, but you get the picture.)
I wanted this blog to be more amusing than it has been, but it's been kind of hard to keep my wit about me for the last 9 months, and I'm still really scared. I'm scared about cancer. I'm scared about what our President and his gang of evil-doers has been doing to others (and us as well). I'm scared for the future generation of people trying to overcome the oppression of big business, given the ascension of right wing justices in all the courts of the land. (Seriously, I think about this stuff.) I'm scared about not doing my job well. I'm scared about TBO not being happy with hers. I'm scared about my friends' well-being. And there's not a damn thing I can do about much of any of that, is there? So I also have to deal with my own helplessness as well.
Most of my relatives (on my Dad's side) would claim that I feel this way because I don't have a "relationship" with God. (They may be right, but when I look at the people [not in my family] who claim to have one and what they believe and how they behave, I can hardly respect what religion has done "for" them. From what I've seen, most "religious" believers use their faith as an excuse to be literally closed-minded [either they believe that only other like-minded believers are "worthy", or they only do what they think God is telling them to do, and therefore don't need to think about the consequences of their actions--it's God's will, right?], which I find the most abhorrent trait people can possess.) Others would claim that I feel this way because I need therapy. (They're probably closer to the truth, but I'm unsure that another equally fallible human being has the answers I might need either.) Some would claim I need both, but if I can't trust one thing (faith) or another (intellect) wholly, can I really find solace from both separately?
See? Wasn't that worth wading through the other 99?
; )

5 Comments:

Blogger scout said...

Hey, congrats on number 100. Had I known it was coming, I'da baked a cake. Maybe we'll have something sweet together Friday?
Coupla things about depression. The worst thing you can do when in a depressive state is tell yourself how comparatively good you have it and therefore don't "deserve" to be sad. Who cares if your life is better this week, month, or year than last week, month, or year? If you're in a funk, you're in a funk. No use beating up on yourself to exacerbate the negativity.
Also, therapy is really a conversation with yourself; a good therapist merely acts as your tour guide, so beware of those who claim to have "the answers."
About our government and religious zealotry: Isn't the number 1 problem with this administration their fervent belief that they're performing God's will and therefore aren't responsible for any negative consequences that result?

5:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope you will forgive a few thoughts from an old guy who has been through quite a bit, including cancer, amputation, heart desease and alcoholism. This is how I see it, and I could not care less if anyone else on earth sees it the same as I:
Organized religion sucks. It is a bunch of self congratulatory clubs.
Spirituality is not religion.
God is not an old man in the sky.
Most of us, however, seem to have a need to imagine "God" in our own image.
To me, God is simply the wonderful combination of Life and Love.
Personally, I must start each day by thanking Life for creating me and sustaining me one more time, and if this is the last, so be it. One day at a time...the only way to live. Like the comedian said, "Just think of how many were never born at all."
And if I love someone and am loved in return, how very, very lucky am I.
Miracles really do happen. I've seen them too often to doubt it.

9:36 PM  
Blogger bryduck said...

Thanks guys.
Scout: That is precisely the problem I think I would have with therapy--I don't need any more conversations with myself; I really want someone "objective" (or just "else") to tell me what goes on in his/her head so I don't feel alone/crazy/sad, and it is my understanding that this is what therapists are trained not to do (reveal themselves, in other words). That's why I've ended up relying on friends so much over my life, and I know that's pretty unfair of me. I try to give back as much as I take, if not more, but sometimes that doesn't work out and they feel sucked dry, I suppose. Maybe I just need more friends . . .
Anonymous: Following along with my closing comment to Scout above, I'm not sure if I need to connect with my inner spirituality as much as I think I need to connect with others instead. I need to get out of my own head, not delve even more deeply into it, which is what creating some personal spirituality would probably require. I hope I'm a good person overall and that my moral compass is true, and that, to me, is what spirituality/religion is supposed to engender in folks. Creating a closer relationship with a deity/power that is unknowable just for my own benefit? I dunno . . .

9:53 AM  
Blogger sporksforall said...

Snort. I read your blog after I wrote mine. Just fyi.

4:23 PM  
Blogger treecup said...

You'd be surprised at how much solace you can gain from religion even when you don't have faith in it. I don't believe in much, but I love the beauty of religion: the speculation about what the world could be like if there was something more than what we see and touch. That sort of human imagination can be inspiring in and of itself.

9:47 AM  

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