Old friends
I read an article in "Men's Health" a couple days ago about when to let old friends fall out of your life. The article essentially made the point that no matter how strong the bond created, eventually 2 people who have little in common other than their past will stop being friends, and that that's ok. I would add a corollary by saying that unless the two friends are in contact with one another in person often enough (and what that means is anybody's guess), it doesn't matter how much they have in common or how deep the friendship was at one point, the friendship will wither and die. The article showed the good side: our protagonist had outgrown his loser college friend, who had yet to find a career or any kind of life whatsoever. Most people, however, are probably living the down side, wherein old friends are people they want to keep in their lives forever.
Two of my oldest and closest friends live very far away from me, and have for many years, if not decades. One of them travels constantly, but only takes vacations, well, by my recollection he's taken exactly one vacation in the 27 years since we graduated high school. I've seen him on average about once a year when he's in town on biz over the last 10 years or so, and then only for a night or two. The other hasn't had the opportunity to travel too much lately due to his work, so we haven't seen each other in quite awhile either.
(Lest you think I'm a spoiled person and need my friends to visit me or nothing, let me add that I've visited each of them on numerous occasions, usually for a week or two at a time, and in one case, for a whole summer. I say this not to puff myself up in comparison--I've usually been out of work while they weren't, so I had the flexibility they didn't.)
I love these two friends, and at the drop of a phone would fly across the country to be with them in a crisis. I hope they would do the same. Even so, the miles wear on our friendships greatly, and the absences grow ever longer. Phone calls do little but remind us of those distances, and the strains of trying to catch one another up to date are tiring as well. I have little doubt that if we were to somehow find ways to see each other more often in person the emotional distances would close, but that's not likely to happen, I'm afraid. What that leaves me is in doubt as to whether I can keep these friends in my life--not because I want them gone, as our "Men's Health" author had the luxury of feeling, but rather because no one can abide too long an absence of a loved one without moving on (which was one of the nearly unspoken themes of "Brokeback Mountain", come to think of it).
Just to make myself clear, though, I'm not the one that moves on, usually. I have a powerful emotional memory, so I'm usually the friend that needs to be cut loose; I'm devoted to a fault sometimes. (Some would term/have termed this fault of mine, "living in the past".) It saddens me to think of not having people who are in my heart be in my life, but I'll try to be open to any goodbyes that need to be thrown my way. Now's your chance, guys!
Two of my oldest and closest friends live very far away from me, and have for many years, if not decades. One of them travels constantly, but only takes vacations, well, by my recollection he's taken exactly one vacation in the 27 years since we graduated high school. I've seen him on average about once a year when he's in town on biz over the last 10 years or so, and then only for a night or two. The other hasn't had the opportunity to travel too much lately due to his work, so we haven't seen each other in quite awhile either.
(Lest you think I'm a spoiled person and need my friends to visit me or nothing, let me add that I've visited each of them on numerous occasions, usually for a week or two at a time, and in one case, for a whole summer. I say this not to puff myself up in comparison--I've usually been out of work while they weren't, so I had the flexibility they didn't.)
I love these two friends, and at the drop of a phone would fly across the country to be with them in a crisis. I hope they would do the same. Even so, the miles wear on our friendships greatly, and the absences grow ever longer. Phone calls do little but remind us of those distances, and the strains of trying to catch one another up to date are tiring as well. I have little doubt that if we were to somehow find ways to see each other more often in person the emotional distances would close, but that's not likely to happen, I'm afraid. What that leaves me is in doubt as to whether I can keep these friends in my life--not because I want them gone, as our "Men's Health" author had the luxury of feeling, but rather because no one can abide too long an absence of a loved one without moving on (which was one of the nearly unspoken themes of "Brokeback Mountain", come to think of it).
Just to make myself clear, though, I'm not the one that moves on, usually. I have a powerful emotional memory, so I'm usually the friend that needs to be cut loose; I'm devoted to a fault sometimes. (Some would term/have termed this fault of mine, "living in the past".) It saddens me to think of not having people who are in my heart be in my life, but I'll try to be open to any goodbyes that need to be thrown my way. Now's your chance, guys!
posted by bryduck at 3:41 PM
5 Comments:
Aw, Bry, I can't imagine anyone wanting to cut you loose, distance be damned.
I'm kind of a lazy, passive friend, often waiting for others to initiate plans, so from my perspective, it's people like you who keep friendships humming, and not at all in a forced, obligatory way.
There are friends who outgrow each other, as suggested in the Men's Health article, but that kind of drift seldom causes pain to either party. If particular friendships remain important to you, chances are pretty good you remain important to them, however much life and distance conspire to keep you apart.
I'm with scout on this one, sweet boy. I'm like scout that way, and have at least 2 friends of 20+ years that I love dearly but don't talk to or see very often. There's so much crap that complicates our lives, as you well know; if you need to touch base more often with your friends than you are now, give them a call to let them know you're thinking of them, shoot the sh*t, have a laugh. Try not to assume un-feeling on their part.
-TBO
I've always believed that friends are in circles.
You have an outer circle of acquaintances. Like the checker at the grocery store.
Then a middle circle of people you know, see during the week or month, but they don’t know too much about the real you, such as most co-workers.
Then another middle circle of friends, those who you haven’t talked to in a while. You do care about them and you may get together on occasion whether monthly, yearly, decadely… Not a word I know, but you get the idea.
Then the inner circle who are close friends who live nearby that you can call at 3 in the morning. Those you can count on one hand.
I have a friend who moves around a lot because of her husband’s job. This friend goes back and forth between places and my neck of the woods. We don’t see each other but maybe every 2 years and email infrequently, but we both know that we’re there. When she moves back in September, I know she fit right back into the inner circle, because of it wasn’t for time, distance, life that’s where she’d be.
People move within and out of the circles. I’ve dumped people before but that’s because they were unhealthy for me (but yeah, I’m guilty of the devoted to a fault syndrome too).
But more often than not, if I’m not sure I’m ready to let them go, I move them to a new circle, (not literally) before I completely push them out. (um, sometimes literally) :)
Long-winded, sorry.
So the real problem is my lack of local friends in that inner circle. I still "hang on" to these 2 geographically undesirables because I've got too few geodesirables? (I'm being harsh-worded unfairly, I know. It's hard for me to accept that reality, I guess.) I suppose you're 100% correct, but it's still saddening to me . . .
It is a shame to move people around all my circles based on time, distance and all that, but I guess that's how I handle keeping them without totally losing them.
Not the best way, I suppose. But, I don't think people need a lot of friends. My circles certainly aren't filled with people. I don't want them to be. I reserve the word friend for a few.
Granted the inner circle is local because it's easier, but I figure, if I've got a couple of great ones whether faraway or close-by, then I'll be alright.
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